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Silence is golden, an often-quoted phrase, reminds us that sometimes it is better to listen more than speak. Abbreviated from the proverb, “Speech is silver, and silence is golden,” which is believed to have originated in Ancient Egypt.
While listening more and saying less can be useful in many contexts, silence is not always golden. There are times when speaking up is more important.
This article focuses on some of the implications for staying overly silent in meetings where it would be appropriate to speak up. I’ve worked with many fabulous managers, but their overly silent presence in certain contexts held them back. Usually the meetings were outside of their comfort zone – for example, broader audience, more senior people, or sometimes, their peers.
Neuroscience teaches us that our brain craves certainty. In a void of silence people often make up their own interpretation as they wonder: What is this person thinking? What are they holding back? What are they not saying? Where do they stand on this issue? Are they even present?
This is one of many reasons leaders are encouraged to be more transparent in their communications where it warrants.
While staying silent can sometimes feel safer in some situations, it can backfire and ripple into unintended consequences. An overly quiet presence (in some contexts) may mean foregoing the opportunity to: influence a decision or direction; contribute to ideation; build connection; and establish a leadership presence that fosters trust.
In my coaching work helping managers tame their overly silent habit, we have discovered some common limiting beliefs holding them back.
Limiting belief: ‘Talkative folks just want to look good and/or hear themselves speak’
I’ve had several clients confess that they stayed silent because they were fearful of being perceived as someone who just “likes the sound of their own voice.” They held a limiting belief that their more verbal counterparts were just vying for attention or trying to look good in higher profile meetings. While this may be true sometimes, it is not always the case. Some people process by thinking out loud. Some are simply more confident in voicing their thoughts. Worth noting, it is not just their right to speak up, it is often their obligation. Managers (and others) are expected to contribute, discuss and support others in the conversation – as long as they leave room for others to contribute. In raising this with one of my coaching clients, he came to see he’d been overly judgmental of his more verbal colleagues and began to appreciate their contribution more – and he began to weigh in more authentically himself.
Limiting belief: I need to say it perfectly right or else I will look bad
Many people feel safer being silent for fear of looking dumb or ill-informed if their thoughts are not perfectly formed or accepted. That’s a lot of pressure. This mindset keeps them stuck in their own head instead of truly being part of the conversation.
Limiting belief: If you don’t have anything new to say then it is better to say nothing
What about acknowledging someone else’s contribution? There are times you may not have a vastly new point, but showing respect and appreciation for other people’s contributions can meaningfully engage dialogue and respect for others. For example, “John, I really appreciated the perspective you shared. It got me thinking in a new way and I’m wondering if others are also now considering this alternative view in a new light.”
You can unlearn the over-active silence habit and speak with purpose and confidence
With intention and practice, anyone can unlearn an over-active silence habit. Here are some tips to help you get unstuck and speak with confidence and purpose:
Reframe your purpose
Recognize that judiciously speaking up is not about looking good. It’s about contribution. If you care about the team and the work at hand, and have wisdom and perspective to share (you do), then lean in when it makes sense. Of course, your listening skills will help you determine when it is time to weigh in.
Speak up as a team player – be the assist
When you speak up, your comments can spark new ideas for others in the room. In hockey, one doesn’t always have to put the puck in the net directly. The assist is equally of value. Responding to the discussion with an acknowledgment and perhaps a question can advance the conversation. For example, “Nabil, your earlier comment sparked a new thought. I’m wondering if it makes sense to look more closely at …”
Frame your thoughts for what they are
Don’t sweat it if your thoughts are not yet perfectly formed. Be authentic and frame your comment accordingly. For example, “Hey, quick thought here that is not fully validated, but perhaps it might be useful to consider …” Context matters so you can use your judgment when it is okay to converse more casually.
Be willing to be a bit uncomfortable at first
As you lean in with a bit of courage and practise speaking up more, with time you will start to feel more authentic and less self-conscious.
At the end of the day it is not about whether to speak up. It’s about why, when and how you do that matters.
Eileen Chadnick, PCC, of Big Cheese Coaching, is an ICF credentialed, two-time ICF (International Coaching Federation) Prism award winner, who works with leaders (emerging to experienced), and organizations, on navigating, leading and flourishing in times of flux, opportunity and challenge. She is the author of Ease: Manage Overwhelm in Times of Crazy Busy.
