It was the moment I'd feared for months: my four-year-old was looking up at me, tears spilling over onto his cheeks, while he tugged at my hand and asked "Why do you have to go to work, Mama? I want you to stay with me."
In that one moment, the decisions around work-life balance that seemed so clear-cut when I returned from maternity leave in the summer become all wobbly and uncertain. As my own tears threatened, my brain was already racing with a million panicked thoughts, mostly centred around that ever-present fear that on any day, my precarious "balance" could fall apart.
It's amazing how quickly a few tears can bring on the compulsion to run around with my hands in the air, screaming "this isn't working!"
Because while very sad and certainly heart-wrenching, this was in fact the first time, ever, my son had expressed being upset about me heading out in the morning.
And man, did it ever throw me for a loop.
I guess we got lucky - I've had friends tell me that morning tears are a daily event in their house, but our two quite happily march off to daycare a few doors down from our home with barely a "see ya, Daddy!" before they're off and having fun.
It probably helps that mornings aren't too rushed - my husband's schedule allows him to stay home till 9 a.m. or later, so there's no mad caffeine-fuelled frenzy out the door at the crack of dawn.
Proximity is nice too. Any working parent who has ever tried to wrangle two kids into car seats, in the rain, early in the day will understand why we love the fact that our daycare provider is a neighbour. It takes less time to walk them there than it would to get one of them properly buckled up.
A few times a week, their grandma picks them up early, and they're already home by the time I arrive.
But the clincher in all of this, the lynch pin, is our daycare provider.
Think of a synonym for awesome, and it applies to her. She's helpful, fun, gentle, accommodating and, most of all, the kids love her.
It's an amazing reassurance to see how much they enjoy being there and to know, given my decision to return to work, they've got a wonderful "home away from home" - one that is close enough to their real home that they can see it from the front window.
We got lucky when we found her. But luck doesn't always pan out, and typically finding daycare is something that requires work, planning and, unfortunately, usually comes along with a big dose of stress and anxiety.
(Loyal NOW readers may recall that I wrote about my search for daycare during my first pregnancy, when I was waitlisted at dozens of spots before baby was even born and yet still had nothing in place by the time my maternity leave ended. I know acutely how challenging this issue can be.)
I got a press release recently from the Better Business Bureau that had some great tips to help those who are on the hunt for their own "perfect" daycare provider, especially when luck isn't playing a part in the process. Here's a few of their suggestions:
? decide what kind of care you need - full or part time, in-home or at a facility, location relative to home or work - to help narrow the search.
? get recommendations from friends, family, parenting networks and community organizations. The B.C. Child Care Resource and Referral Program can provide lists of registered daycares in your area.
? visit the facility and get a feel for the centre and what it offers.
? ask lots of questions: What's the staff-to-child ratio? How are children grouped? what happens if a child is sick or hurt? What are the fees and payment schedule? How does nap-time work?
? get references from the daycare of other parents who've been there in the past.
Most of all, trust your gut instinct and keep an eye on how your kids are reacting overall.
My son's tears were heartbreaking, but it was a one off: he was happy as a clam the day before and happy as a clam the day after. Looking back, I realized that we'd recently come through the Christmas period, where my husband and I both had some time off and our regular routine had been broken up. Late nights visiting family had thrown off his sleep, and all those sugary holiday treats didn't help. He was tired, cranky and out of his normal routine - a perfect storm for tears.
It will never be easy to leave in the morning, even when the kids are blowing kisses from the breakfast table and I can hear them laughing as I walk away, but it's as good and as comfortable as it could be thanks to my daycare provider.
Finding the right person or place can seem an insurmountable task, but it makes all the difference.
Christina Myers is a long-time reporter with the Burnaby NOW, writing about families, seniors, health and more. Follow her on Twitter at www.twitter.com/ChristinaMyersA.
